Hell on Earth
In his book “Depression: A Stubborn Darkness”, Edward T. Welch does the best job of describing Clinical Depression that I have ever read. In chapter 2 “How Depression Feels” he quotes those who have trudged through the depths of this horrible disease and found the words to describe their feelings.
The first word in the chapter is “Hell.” If the chapter were to end there, that would be a completely accurate description of the suffering caused by this disease. But Welch is able to use other words and phrases, often composed by those who suffer, to shed light on the torment. “Desperately alone, doom, black holes, deep wells, emptiness”, “meaningless pain”, “the only certainty is the misery will persist.”
If real hell is the absence of God, then depression feels like hell. For it does not seem that God is near. Even the most devout Christians can feel as though God must have abandoned them. Charles Spurgeon, one the most well-known and influential pastors of the 19th century, whose sermons still teach and inspire today, suffered from depression. Welch quotes Spurgeon in his book, “I could weep by the hour like a child, yet I knew not what I wept for.”
Losing Faith
The strength of one’s faith and devotion to the Lord cannot ward off Clinical Depression (though many may tell you otherwise). Against all knowledge and assurance that God is near, it feels as though he is not.
I was a firm believer in the gospel of Jesus Christ well before this disease wreaked havoc in my life. And yet, against all that I had been taught, all that I firmly believed, all that I knew to be undoubtedly true, I felt as though God must have abandoned me. I knew He had not, but it felt as though He had.
Were you to measure my faith, from an outsiders perspective, I would have appeared faithless.
I did not, and could not, go to church.
I did not, and could not, exhibit any semblance of joy.
I did not, and could not, study my Bible with any fervor.
I did not, and could not, find the right words to pray.
Prayer was especially difficult, because I often could not articulate how I was truly feeling or what it even was I needed to ask for. But God, in his infinite wisdom and unrelenting kindness, provides all those who suffer from depression with an invaluable tool to help us come to him with the cries of our heart.
He provides us with the Psalms.
Finding the Words
God anticipated that his children would suffer from this severe kind of melancholy and provided for us, through His very Word, expressions of suffering that we can speak boldly and confidently to Him when we cannot find the words ourselves. Here are 5 things I learned and was comforted with by speaking the Psalms in prayer to my God during the moments when I felt abandoned.
- I am not alone in my suffering.
One quick glance through the book of Psalms will tell you that many of the Psalmists suffered, if not from depression itself, then from very similar symptoms. Reading the Psalms, especially the dark ones, showed me that I am not the only one feeling the despair of a fallen world weighing heavily on my shoulders. This gave me a great deal of comfort. Though my suffering was severe, it was not unusual nor unexpected.
This kind of empathy experienced in the Psalms reaches its peak in Psalm 22. This Psalm, written by David, is applied to the suffering of Christ. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Christ calls out from the cross in despair, reminding us that if anyone can empathize with our suffering it is Him. If anyone knows what it feels like to be abandoned by God, it is Jesus. In fact, Jesus is the only person alive who truly knows what it is like to be abandoned by God. What great comfort there is in knowing that Jesus not only sees our suffering, He experienced it with us.
- It’s ok to tell God that you don’t feel him near.
All the suffering Psalmists in the Bible, though they expressed their pain differently, had one thing in common. They all acknowledged the existence of God and brought their prayers to Him. Even if the entire prayer was mournful and melancholy and the Psalmist questioned God’s goodness, he still acknowledged God’s existence simply by bringing his prayer to Him.
This was of great comfort to me. When all I could express in my prayers was doubt and self-loathing, at least I was expressing it to God. And I knew, even if I sometimes doubted it, that my prayers to God never went unheard or unheeded.
- Not all prayers need to end in praise.
One of my favorite Psalms to pray was Psalm 88. It is by far the most depressing Psalm of the Bible. While most Psalms that exhibit feelings of despair end in a praise and reminder that God is still good, this Psalm ends with “the darkness is my closest friend.” And sometimes, that’s exactly how I felt.
And Psalm 88 is not mistakenly in the Bible! It is the very Word of God! And even God’s Word doesn’t always end on a happy note at first.
- Those who suffered, also experienced great joy.
One look at the Psalms that David penned will tell you that this was a man who experienced intense suffering but also supreme joy! Other Psalmists exhibit the same truth.
It is no mistake that Psalm 89 comes on the heels of Psalm 88. God intentionally put these two Psalms side by side. In stark contrast to the depths of sorrow in Psalm 88 is Psalm 89, which expresses powerful praise. But by the end of Psalm 89, the Psalmist is expressing his distress and his doubt of the Lord’s intentions in allowing him to suffer. Nonetheless the Psalm ends with “Blessed be the Lord forever!” There are many in the Psalms who cried out in the midst of their suffering, but there are many, oftentimes the same people, who shouted praise to their good, good God.
- Jesus will wipe away every tear
If there is talk of despair in the Psalms, it is outnumbered by the talk of God’s certain deliverance from it!
Psalm 113:7 “He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap.”
Psalm 4:7 “You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.”
Psalm 5:11-12 “But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exalt you. For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield.”
Psalm 43:5 “Why are you downcast, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”
The Psalms help us express our despair and our longing for deliverance of it. The Psalms also assure us of that deliverance by pointing us to the promise of a deliverer. And we know from the rest of scripture that God has not withheld goodness from us but has given us goodness itself, His son Jesus Christ. Our good, good God has remembered us in our depression, given us the very words we need to express it when we have none, and has promised us a sure and certain deliverance from it through the work of His Son.
To read my full depression story click here.
Works Referenced:
E.T. Welch , Depression: A Stubborn Darkness (Greensboro, NC: Zondervan Publishing House, 2004)