We’ve all been there.
You’ve tucked your children into their beds. You’ve soaked up some quality, albeit quick, time catching up with your husband, you’ve finished up some of the lingering tasks you started earlier in the day. You’re ready for bed. You lay your exhausted head down on your pillow and start thinking through the day.
That’s when it hits you: mommy guilt.
Without even trying, you start replaying all those moments throughout the day in which you feel you failed as a mom: the way you didn’t follow through on the discipline you threatened, the spiritual application you forgot to mention at the perfect moment, the way you lost your temper with the child who pushed just one too many times, all the creative memorable activities you wanted to do but didn’t make time for, the attention you didn’t pay, the conversation you didn’t have, the help you didn’t give.
It replays over and over in our minds: failure, failure, failure.
What do we do to stop the replay? We might reverse gears and start thinking about all the things we did right that day, all the ways we felt we succeeded as moms. Or maybe we replace the mantra and start repeating to ourselves: I am strong. I am capable. I am a good mom over and over in an attempt to drive out the overwhelming sense that we failed.
But no matter how many good deeds we list or how many good attributes we assign ourselves, that sense of failing always looms in the background never quite appeased by our futile attempts to feel better about ourselves.
So, what’s a mom to do? Where do we look for hope when all we can see are our failures? How do we fight mommy guilt?
I want to give you three suggestions for fighting that overwhelming feeling of failing as a mom. Each suggestion is tied to one hard truth to wrap our minds around and one gospel truth that we can hang our hopes on. The battle for your heart and mind has been waged, Mama. Are you ready to fight?
Hard Truth #1 – You did fail
The hard truth is, as you replay all those failing moments in your mind as you try to settle into sleep, your sense of failure is probably right. Today, Mama, you did fail your kids. In fact, the truth is that there are numerous ways in which you failed to mother them as you ought. It’s time to admit it.
And then take a deep breath. There is great freedom that comes from admitting that we failed. All the pretense can be dropped. I am not the perfect parent and I know it. I am a sinner in need of Savior and I will still be a sinner in need of a Savior tomorrow. I mourn over my failures, yes, but then I rejoice because there is such good news for sinners…
Gospel Hope for Hard Truth #1 – Jesus died to forgive failing moms
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace – Ephesians 1:6
Through Christ’s blood, you and I are perfectly forgiven. Through his blood, your failures (and mine) have been atoned for. Through his blood, we can rest even amid failure because we know that our standing before God remains perfect.
When we are overwhelmed by how we have failed, we still have hope because we know that Christ died to redeem our every failure. He shed his blood to cover our shortcomings. He rose again victorious over sin, including the sins that cause our failures as moms.
What to do:
So what is the first thing we should do when we’re overwhelmed with mommy guilt? Instead of replaying our failures over and over in our heads in an attempt to make them seem not as bad as they were, we need to confess them openly to God. We need to admit how we have failed specifically and with candor. We need to ask for his forgiveness, and then rest assured that we have it. And then we can ask for his help to do better tomorrow.
Hard Truth #2 – Your failures did affect your children
One of the hardest things about failing as a mom is the fear that our failures might harm our children. Unfortunately, this fear is based on truth. Our failures as moms do have an impact on our kids. Our failure to discipline when we should could affect their behavior in the future. Our failure to point them to Christ in all we say and do could make it harder for them to see him in the everyday moments. Our failure to be patient with our children could teach them that patience is merely an optional virtue.
We need to accept the hard truth, Mama, that our sinfulness as moms does impact the children we have been given to love and nurture.
Gospel Hope for Hard Truth #2 – God’s grace is sufficient to cover over our failures
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight – Ephesians 1:7-8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. – 2 Corinthians 9:8
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28
One of the exchanges I have with my three-year-old son before he falls asleep at night is, “I love you so much, but who loves you more?” And he knows to answer, “Jesus.” Sometimes I need this reminder just as much as he does. God loves my children more than I do. He is capable of working out things for their good as well as mine, including how I’ve failed them. He is able to make all grace abound to us and our children as he lavishes it upon us to cover over the ways in which we have failed and undo some of the harm we might have done. And even if our failures do harm our children, we know that God is capable of using that harm for their ultimate good.
What to do:
After repenting of your failures, ask God to do what he has said he will do. Ask him to lavish his grace upon you and your children. Ask him to make all grace abound to you so that you can continue to do the good work he has called you to as a mom. And then rest assured that he will do it!
Hard Truth #3 – You are not a perfect mom
Perhaps this truth isn’t quite as hard to swallow as the other two. You know you are not perfect. No mom is delusional enough to think that she is. But sometimes I fear we act as though we could be perfect. This is the reason mommy guilt affects us so deeply. If we weren’t operating as though we could be perfect, our failures would come as no surprise to us. We wouldn’t stew over them. We would expect them, repent of them, and move on.
Do not let your failures surprise you, Mama. You are not a perfect mom, not in any aspect of your mothering. You will never be a perfect mom during your time here on earth.
Gospel Hope for Hard Truth #3 – Because of Christ, you can be a better mom
Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. – 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
You will never be a perfect mom, but because of Christ, you can be a better one. We can rejoice that God has revealed to us our failures because it opens our eyes to the ways in which we can begin to overcome them. As the beloved of Christ, we are no longer slaves to our sin. Through his blood, he has provided a way for us to stand up under our temptations (1 Corinthians 10:13). For those who are saved, we have the assurance that every day, the Holy Spirit is working in and through us to make us more and more like Jesus. So 10 years from now, we may be able to look back on our failures and see them only as struggles of the past. We are capable of change and for those who are in Christ, that change is for the better.
What to do:
Ask God to make good on his promise to sanctify you. Ask him to help you do better tomorrow than you did today. Ask him to change your heart so your temptations are not so appealing. He will surely do it.
Hope for Guilty Moms
There is so much hope for moms riddled with mommy guilt. Let those feelings of failure drive you to your knees in repentance. Let those feelings drive you to your Savior who is willing to lavish his grace upon you. Let those feelings stir within you a desire to do better tomorrow than you did today and then rest assured that God is empowering you to do it every step of the way.
So when mommy guilt strikes, Mama, do these three things:
- Candidly admit your failures and repent of them
- Ask God to lavish his grace on you and your children to cover over your failures and undo any harm you may have done
- Ask him to change your heart so it looks more like Christ’s and then rest assured that he will do it.
Rest in peace tonight, Mama. Your God loves you and your children more than you can possibly imagine.