I came across this quote while scrolling my Instagram feed this past week:
Moses spent 40 years thinking he was a somebody; 40 years learning he was a nobody; and 40 years learning what God can do with a nobody.
- Dwight L. Moody
After reading this quote, I decided that I am in my “Nobody Era”. I’m just hoping that, unlike Moses, my “Nobody Era” won’t last 40 years.
For most of my life, I thought I was a somebody. I was proud of my moral living. Proud of my desire to do the right thing. Proud of my ability to study and teach God’s Word. Proud of my ability to write and speak about Jesus. Proud of the friend and mentor I was to other people. Proud of the time and attention I was giving to discipling my young boys and serving my family.
I couldn’t wait to see what God would do through me and all the wonderful gifts he had given me.
I couldn’t wait to show the world that I really was somebody.
But then I was robbed.
Chronic illness swooped in like a thief in the night and took from me all the things I was proudest of, the things in which I found my identity, my somebody-ness.
I lost my ability to study and teach the Bible. I lost my ability to even read the Bible at all. I lost my ability to write, speak, or even think clearly about the things of God. I lost my ability to meet with other women or even to send a friendly text. I lost my ability to be a good friend. I lost my ability to care for my husband and my children. I even lost the ability to be around my husband and children for more than a few minutes at a time.
I had become a nobody.
But because God is good and because God loves me, I also lost some things I was very happy to give up.
I lost the illusion that I had any real control over my life or the lives of the people I love.
I gained a deeper trust in God’s perfect sovereignty over my life and the unspeakable peace that comes with that trust.
I lost my prideful belief that I could accomplish any good through my own power and resolve.
I gained a greater awareness of my dependence on God to accomplish anything of merit. Whether it’s teaching the Bible to a group of women or simply remembering to brush my teeth every day, I am dependent on God’s grace for all of it.
I lost my ability and desire to work without rest.
I gained the welcome knowledge that God does not need me to keep the world, or even just my world, going. I am not infinite, and God does not need me to be. He desires for me to live within the pleasant boundaries he has given me. He desires for me to rest.
I lost the belief that I must accomplish good works in order to somehow maintain my salvation and prove my worth to God and to myself.
I gained the peace and contentment that come with knowing that my faith and my worth are secure, not because of my “good works” but because of the finished, perfect work of Christ.
I lost myself.
I gained more of God.
I am slowly, but surely, being emptied of all the things that made me feel like a somebody.
Now, as I begin to heal from illness, some of the former losses are being returned. I’m studying and teaching the Bible again. I’m starting to reconnect with friends I lost touch with. I’m spending more time with my family and am enjoying teaching them the things of God.
But instead of seeing these good things as the pillars that make me a somebody, I’m receiving them as the good and precious gifts of grace that they are with thankfulness and humility.
I am embracing life as a nobody.
And I could not be more grateful.
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God
~ Job 19:25-26
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